How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
