I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize