you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
