I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
