She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
