Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
