Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
