3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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