I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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