woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize