good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
