Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
