my mouth tastes like poor choices
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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