listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
