Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
