Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize