at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
