I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize