i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
