I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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