I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
