She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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