y did u give ur computer a hand job?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
