I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
