: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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