I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
