This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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