Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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