hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
