he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
