He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
