Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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