Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
