I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
