I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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