My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
