I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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