I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
