i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
