seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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