I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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