Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
