So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
My liver just had a heart attack.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
