Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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