Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
