Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
