Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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