I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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