i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
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