I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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