I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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