So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
