if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
